Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
