My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
