she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize