Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
