Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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