I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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