Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
