Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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