Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
