I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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