If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
