During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
