I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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