Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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