I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
