i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
