My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
