Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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