just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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