your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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