I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
