Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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