were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
