Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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