A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
