Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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