We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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