He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
