Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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