I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
