He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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