hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
