if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
