physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
