I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
