Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
