Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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