bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can I color on your dick again?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
