Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
