Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
