there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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