don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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