She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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