1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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