Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
