i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
