I think my vagina is haunted
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
