Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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