Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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