how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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