Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And then he peed in my hair
We smell like vodka and hangover
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