Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
