I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
