my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
