you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
