I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
