Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
