I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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