Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I have post one night stand depression
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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