I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
