that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
