I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
