Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
